Monday, July 30, 2012


My baby and I sit down for lunch. We are at a busy outside mall, sitting at a bench. I pull out my ridiculously unhealthy chicken sammich and fries, throw back a couple prenatals, wash em down with lemonade, and prepare her lunch. I reach inside and pull the tab on her lunch container. It's open and she knows it is. Excitement!! There's a prize! I gather her close to me and she gets the prize. Na Na! As my little princess finds the nipple and latches on, I find my sandwich and take a bite. We both enjoy our lunches.

There's a couple next to me on the right who eat their lunch and never notice anything out of the ordinary.

There's a woman on the left with her crying baby who can't manage to feed a bottle of (milk..formula..?) while she eats her own food. I see frustration.

The folks behind me notice, then notice again, then are uncomfortably staring at me. Oh well. They eventually leave. My chick and I eat in comfort.

My girl finishes and sits up. My breast was exposed for almost three seconds!! She sits on my lap happily while I finish my [unhealthy] fast food. Then I pop her into the sling and we are off again.

I love shopping trips.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

The Easter Bunny, Neon Snot, Nudity, and Jesus

Wes has been fired from Easter Bunny duty. While laying in the bed trying to detach my bewb from Roo's little Hoover mouth, I've never heard so many jellybeans hit the floor: he pulled instead of cut apart the jellybean bag and it exploded all over the kitchen. Then he hid eggs all over the house instead of outside where I wanted them (hey, it's nice weather, the eggs go outside) and then I had to go find them all but he didn't know how many he had hidden so we may find more in a month....

He also sucks at being Santa, but that's a-whole-nother story.

I did use the "I-won't-be-surprised-if-the-Easter-bunny-skips-this-house" threat a few times in the past week. But not on Wes. These kids have been one anvil short of Looney Tunes. And they feed off of each other. Bear can evoke the most ear-piercing responses out of Monkey... but only if I'm trying to put Roo to sleep. Or trying to cook supper. Or trying to use the bathroom. Or trying to do anything besides sit and watch their every move.

We need our own sitcom. Or reality show. Except network television can't show that much child nudity, so maybe I'll just stick to blogging. Last week, Bear tried to remove the tip of her toe. It was so gross. This is why I'm not a nurse. Her foot slipped under the fridge, ripping back her toenail and taking the flesh on the tip with it. shudder...gag... So she is howling and crying and the baby is awake and in my lap but I'm trying to clean up her toe to see if we need stitches and Monkey is hovering around her trying his best to comfort her and so there we all are sitting in the kitchen floor and honestly all I wanted to do was cry. Or laugh. In the end, I just called Mom. Who came to the rescue with butterfly bandages and the opinion that this didn't warrant a trip to the ER.

The next day, Monkey comes to me and says his nose hurts.
"Why does your nose hurt?'
"The marker."
"WHAT marker??"  Bear informs me that he has bitten off the end of a yellow marker and shoved it up his nose. I am appalled and ask him to point to where it is. It was almost in his brain it was so high.... So we blow his nose. No marker, but a crazy amount of neon yellow snot comes pouring out... Sweet. Liquid sunshine was draining from his sinuses. So I panic. And call Mom. Who is not concerned in the least. Booooo. She tells me to massage his nose and have him blow. Like I didn't try that first. She again offered the opinion that this didn't warrant a trip to the ER. So, 10 minutes of blowing and 5 bright glowing yellow tissues later, a tiny marker tip comes flying out of his little nostril onto the kitchen floor. Crisis averted. So what does Monkey do to calm my nerves? Climbs to the back of the kitchen chair and promptly falls off on his head. Again, no ER...

But the last two days have been my weekend days, which means that I get approximately 3 hours of sleep per night due to my work schedule. So yesterday, as I am trying to doze while Roo naps and the kids are watching tv (the living room is outside my bedroom door so I can hear what they are up to), I again am listening to crazy sounds from the kitchen. It began as Bear making Monkey chocolate milk but evolved into cries of  "Get down!" and "Put your clothes on!!" but I didn't hear any glass breaking so I simply wait for the inevitable tattling that is to come. Bear enters and proceeds to give me a rundown of all that the Monkey is up to: he is naked from the waist down, standing on the kitchen counter, pouring chocolate syrup into his mouth while eating a Crunch bar. The chocolate kind, not the Xanax kind. If it had been the Xanax kind, I would have asked him to share.

So, what did I do? Called Mom.

She came to retrieve my nudist son, but while she was on her way, Bear did everything she could to make the child scream and cry. This consisted mostly of "Come get me!!" and then a door slams and then he screams. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Alone, my children are angels. Together, they are nominees for Supernanny. So I used the ole Easter Bunny threat.

That giant rodent did, in fact, make a stop by our house, no thanks to Wes.

When I get home today, we will hunt eggs, enjoy Easter morning, get ready and go to church. And I just hope that I can help Bear understand the true meaning of the day and that what it represents is the cornerstone of our faith. And while I won't kick the overgrown imaginary rabbit out of our lives, from now on, the focus will not be jellybeans. It will be the true importance of Easter: that thousands of years ago, a man allowed himself to have nails hammered through his body, hung on a cross, and died.... and He did it all for Bear. And Monkey. And Roo. And Wes. And me. And you. So that we can have days filled with

And on Easter morning, He rose again. And it was all for us sinners who were lost as Easter eggs.

Happy Easter, y'all.

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Go See My Guest Post

My good buddy Newz-Muz is presenting a month-long tribute to women on her blog, in honor of Women's History Month. She's a young 'un, and she doesn't have kids (yet!) so as part of her series, she asked three friends (myself being one of them) to submit guest blogs on motherhood. The lovely Heather was first and I was second. So have a look and tell me what you think!

A Mother's Battle Part Deux

Friday, February 24, 2012

Magic Vomit-Away Cleaners!

I am quite aware that the next thing I was supposed to post was the Guinness crock pot brisket. I'm totally gonna get to that. But we've been sick.

This family doesn't get colds. Oh no! Not a simple little case of the sniffles. When we get sick, we do it in an epic way. We get the plague. Bear, for instance, rarely gets a head cold. But she HAS had an intestinal parasite, mono (which caused hepatitis and jaundice), and has a tendency toward recurrent staph and MRSA. TMI? Sorry.

We have, as a family of five, had a horrendous vomiting virus. This comes immediately after both the older kids had a recent bout with strep. Roo came through that unscathed (and, honestly hasn't had more than a runny nose in her almost-eight months) but she caught this one in a big way.

I thought it was her new food of beans, which Wes totally thanked me for when he changed her diaper, but, no. Wes and I, as a couple, spent quality time together hanging out with the porcelain god, being truly sexy to one another. As a side note, it will be a LONG TIME before we eat Swiss steak again. The next morning, true to fashion, I spent no time alone in the bathroom, with my personal cheerleader, Monkey, right along side me as I was on all fours in the bathroom floor.

"Mommy? You doing?"
"I'm sick."
"You throw up?"
"Good JOB, Mommy!!"
"Good JOB!"
"Good JOB, Mommy!"
...continue in similar vein...

So, I was the idiot who got better when everyone else got sick. Wes has managed to conjure up an infected toe and knee, so he was useless. Therefore, I was one to be vomited upon, spit upon, peed upon... I truly believe that the difference between moms and other humans is the natural reaction to cup your hands and hold them in front of a child vomiting...or not. I do. FML.

Regardless, my carpet has absorbed a ridiculous amount of vomit in the past few days. Add that to the fact that our neurotic cat, Adso, has decided that the kids' bathroom is her own carpeted litter box, and it became necessary to CLEAN OUR CARPETS.

That was today's task. So my carpet cleaner came with a detergent, but I've found that most carpet detergents leave behind a film which actually ATTRACTS dirt. I guess, if you're a Dirt Devil CEO, that's a good thing. I'm not. I'm a mom. A rather lazy mom who despises the smell of cat piss, vomit, and the act of carpet cleaning. So I began my Pinterest search for a magic carpet cleaner machine solution that would solve all my problems. I got nada.

Bitches, I came up with my own.

The solution reservoir on my Dirt Devil holds *about* a gallon (??). So I used 2 cups of vinegar, 3/4 cup of peroxide, and a few drops of lavender essential oil (in a grapeseed carrier). I filled up the rest with hot (reeeeally hot) water. Before I began, I sprinkled the carpet with baking soda. I know baking soda is the miracle cure, but I didn't really want to make a science experiment volcano in the machine's reservoir.

That shit is awesome. I shall now commence to slap myself a high five. It's like liking your own Facebook status....

So after two hours of meticulous carpet cleaning, I could still, with my bloodhound nose (my kids will NEVER be able to smoke pot and get away with it) smell cat pee. I hate that damn hairless cat. I rue the day I rescued her.

So I had to make a carpet freshener. And, of course, I had to wait til the carpet was dry to apply it. That gave me time to play, AHEM, search diligently for a carpet freshener recipe on Pinterest. Good deal.

I mixed a cup of baking soda with the recommended 20 drops .... I lie. I overdo everything. I used more like thirty drops of lavender essential oil, which I happen to have on hand from News-Muz, and spent the next thirty minutes whisking the shit out of it. Poured that mess in a Parmesan cheese container and sprinkled it generously about the kids' bathroom.

Vacuum. Amen.


Magic. Lavender. Awesomeness.


You're welcome.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

I'm ON A ROLL!!!

Breastfeeding is the normal way to feed a human baby. Anything else is sub-par. Why is it important that facebook stop censoring pictures of babies eating??? Check out this post from Dispelling Breastfeeding Myths. I think it sums things up quite nicely...

I Made a Meme

"But it strikes me as ironic that many members of the public fret about British Muslims donning the hijab, yet happily condone the veiling of nursing mothers.” ~ Rowan Pelling, Daily Telegraph 2008

Monday, January 30, 2012

Caution: Boobie Pics

I'm too lazy to blog today.

Instead, here's a ridiculous amount of pictures of Roo nursing.


Aren't I a shameless hussy?

Friday, January 20, 2012


For your reading pleasure today, I'm posting a story from my sister, Jennie, who also has three kids. I'm not sure if this convinces me that my family in its entirety is completely dysfunctional, or if simply everyone has as much "fun" as I. Either way, it's sure to leave you in stitches. If not, it'll at least make you feel better about your life. :D


I had been warned that raising 3 kids was kinda like a 3-ring circus.  Either that or you lose your mind after the 3rd one is born.  One is easy.  Two?  No problem!  Add a third child, and it's like a whole new ballgame.  Today was living evidence of that.

Living in GA has its perks.  It's relatively warm in the winter, and being only 10 miles from the Atlantic Ocean keeps it pretty nice in the summer, too.  Today, however, Old Man Winter made his one and only (I'm hoping) guest appearance.  It was COLD.  Well, cold for south Georgia.  It was all the way down to 35!  So when my alarm went off at 5:00 telling me it was time for my morning run, I decided that I could wait until tomorrow when the temperature is supposed to only be 49.  Hey!  Fifteen degrees is a big difference!  Especially when you are running in the pre-dawn stillness.  I rolled over and promptly overslept.  At 5:50, I leapt out of bed and began the mad dash to get myself and 3 kids ready for school.  In addition to the fact that I have 3 kids to get ready, I also live 45 minutes from the school where I teach.  However, to make my life simpler (*insert dry chuckle, sotto voce, here*) we've enrolled the kids the the school district where I teach instead of the very bad school system where we live.  So, although it makes my life simpler in the afternoons, it also requires that the kids are up and out the door no later than 6:45 a.m. because the elementary school my middle child attends starts at 7:30.

"Let's go, let's go, let's GO!"  I'm racing around, getting the kids dressed and trying to get the youngest, who is a very dedicated sleeper, up and out of the bed.  My oldest, Liz, is usually a really big helper.  Today, though, I'm thinking she had a bad case of "brain-freeze."  I can only hope it's because of the cold.  I'm more afraid it's hormones.  As I am about to get in the shower, she comes into my room and says, "What does David want for breakfast?"  Keep in mind, now, that my middle child, David, just turned 8 and suffers from mild hypoglycemia.  If he doesn't eat, we're talking about a major blood sugar crash including the shakes, crying, incomprehensible stuttering, the whole she-bang.  Remember that scene from Steel Magnolias when Julia Roberts' blood sugar crashes in the beauty shop?  Yeah, something like that, except it's with a little boy.  Not fun.  To help me out, for the last several weeks, Liz has been fixing breakfast for David and Caleb (the sleeper, who takes his breakfast to school and eats with his PreK class) while I take a shower.  "I don't know!  Ask David!" I reply.  She asked David and I hear him tell her he wants the leftover grits from yesterday that are in the fridge.  Easy enough.  Insert grits in microwave, zap! and bob's-your-uncle, you got breakfast, Georgia-style.  Granted, a little butter and brown sugar help, but whatever.  Simple breakfast, you'd think, right?  Little do you know....

All the schools around here are in uniform. The choices for pants are khaki, navy, or black, so you'd think that getting ready for school would be kinda simple, wouldn't you?  Wouldn't you?   After my shower, I dress, do my hair, and check on the boys.  Caleb is hiding under a blanket in front of the space heater and David is wearing a pair of size 6, torn and dirty khakis,  (remember he's 8).   Thus ensues the following conversation:
"David, you can NOT wear those pants.  They're dirty!"
"But I accidently dribbled pee on my other pants and I can't wear them!"
"Where are your navy pants?
"NOOOOO!  I'll look like a DORK!" [When, WHEN did 8-year old boys suddenly become aware of fashion???]
"You will not look like a dork.  Everybody wears blue pants."
"Yes I will.  I don't like those pants."
"Put the pants on.  I'm sorry.  They are all we have.  I'll wash the others tonight."  After a back-and-forth battle of wills, I finally force him to put on the pants.

I wrestle my very sturdy 5 year old, Caleb, into some of his own clothes and head to the kitchen.  In an effort to get David to stop sniffling about looking like a dork, I offer to heat up the leftover soup and put it in his soup container in his lunchbox.  This does the trick.  I order him to go make his bed and put on his shoes while I fix the soup.  I throw the soup in a pot and turn on the stove, turn around to find David back in the kitchen, sniffling again.
"There's a great big hole in my pants."  I go to investigate, suspecting him of making a big deal out of nothing just to get out of wearing the pants.  But, no, there really is a rather large hole in his pants. Right at the crotch. Crap.  What do you expect from Wal-Mart?  High quality?
"Fine. Go take them off and I'll sew them up."  I take the pants and ask Lizzie to watch the soup.  By this time, it's 6:25.  We are running out of time and I'm getting frantic.  I don't have time to rethread the sewing machine and wind a new bobbin, so white thread will just have to do.  I fix the pants.  Whew!  Crisis averted.

I take over in the kitchen and Lizzie goes back to get her backpack and books out of her room.
"Momma?!"  I turn around to find Caleb shuffling into the kitchen wearing his pants and underwear around his ankles.
"WHAT are you doing?"
"I'm sorry, Momma!  I couldn't make it to the potty!"  Dear sweet baby Jesus.  If I leave the soup, it'll burn.  (The whole time this is happening, I'm really beginning to resent my husband who is still peacefully sleeping on the couch.  How do I know this?  Because his snores are rattling the windows.  *sigh*)
"LIZZIE?!  Help your brother find some clean underwear and pants.  He's peed in these!"  Caleb goes hopping down the hall, little white buttcheeks bouncing like the Easter Bunny.
I go back to stirring the soup.
I finish the damn soup and go to check on Caleb.  Lizzie has dressed him in black pants with a navy, yellow and red top.  ARGH!  "Put these jeans on him and LET"S GO!  We're going to be late!"

Finally set, I usher the kids into the car.  Lunches, backpacks, books, bags, purses, everyone buckled.....WAIT!  I'd forgotten my phone.  I go running back into the house to get my phone.  I come running out through the kitchen to find Lizzie slamming about looking for a spoon with a yogurt container in her hand.
"David hasn't eaten any breakfast."
I kid you not.  She actually looked at me and said, "Well, I was fixing toast and David said he wanted grits."  Surely I misheard her.  Surely she didn't just tell me that she didn't fix her brother's breakfast because she was 'doing toast.'  But I didn't have time to dwell on that.  We were LATE.  "Fine!  Just get the damn yogurt and get in the frickin' car!"  I am truly beginning to lose it by this time.

Finally in the car, we're on our way.  David digs a spoon out of his lunchbox and opens the yogurt.  Granted, I should've told him to wait until he got to school.  But I wasn't thinking.  I was still seeing red from "I only do toast."  Driving like Cruella DeVille in 101 Dalmatians, I tear out of the drive, manage to get the green arrow at the end of the road and take off like a bat outta Hades.  We get one block down the road and David starts wailing, "The yogurt is spilling!"  [I'm sure it had nothing to do with my driving....and all over his favorite blue pants!]

Now, pause just a moment here.  It is 6:50 on a cloudy morning, headed northwest.  It is DARK.  I can't see anything except what the lights in front me show. Imagine the scene.  Lizzie's in the front seat.  David's in the middle of the back because the child gets so carsick that he must be able to see in front of him or he'll puke before we go 5 miles and Caleb is sitting in his booster seat behind Lizzie.  David reaches forward to hand his yogurt cup to Lizzie, unbeknownst to me.  And I, in a fit of temper, sweep my right hand back and across, catching the bottom of the yogurt cup in Lizzie's hand and knock the yogurt, topsy-turvy, all over the inside of the car.

There's yogurt everywhere.  There's yogurt across the inside of the windshield.  There's yogurt on the gearshift, the emergency brake, the seats, the windows.  It's on David, it's on the bookbag, it's on the floor.  Caleb starts screaming and crying, "You got yogurt in my hair!"  There's yogurt going down his back (I have no idea how it got BEHIND his head and down his back, but it did.).  "You got yogurt in my eye!  It's not nice for you to put yogurt in my LEFT EYE!" [As opposed to your RIGHT EYE?]

I honestly don't know whether I should've just called in sick or what. Instead, I do a u-turn in the middle of Victory Drive (ironic, huh?) and head back home.  All three have to change clothes and the yogurt has to be cleaned up and David STILL has not eaten.  Caleb cries all the way home, reminding me again how "NOT NICE" I am for putting yogurt in his LEFT eye!  We get home and order the kids inside while I start cleaning up the car.  I look up to see them standing there. "Daddy locked the door when we left."  GREAT!  PERFECT!  BRILLIANT!  I unlock the door, and start the cleaning process.

15 minutes later, we're back in the car.  Caleb's hair is washed out with a wet cloth and he's wearing yet another outfit, David is back to wearing the torn, dirty, size 6 pants, and Lizzie is completely in tears.  The inside of my car smells like a sour burpcloth and peaches and we are now a complete 30 minutes late getting off to school.  And I now have to stop by McDonald's (my absolute least favorite place) to buy David some breakfast.

I am seriously thinking about starting my day tomorrow with a shot of whiskey.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

SMOOTHIE GODDESS: The RoxyLicious Moss Smoothie

I only made one New Year's resolution and that has long been flung out the window...

But I am making a conscious effort to get healthy, and I'm dragging my family along for the ride, kicking and screaming. Actually, so far, it hasn't been much of a fight, but it has been rather expensive. Why the crap are healthy foods more expensive? Less chemicals, whole, unprocessed, yada yada = outrageously expensive. Anyone else feel like they're getting the handful of sand on this one?

Enter, Magic Bullet. No, not "that kind." And NO, I'm not providing you a link for that, either.

I happen to have a wonderful friend who gave me a Magic Bullet for Christmas (and made me hand warmers and hobo mittens and I'm totally gonna buy her a small pony). I have been experimenting with various types of smoothies because the recipes I'm finding for "optimal health" totally call for things like hemp seed and crap and I haven't had any hemp seeds on hand in years. Also, I'm a pansy and stuff has to taste good for me to ingest it more than once. And that once would only happen because I hate wasting food.

So I invested an obscene amount of money into frozen fruits and Greek yogurt, flax seed and wheat germ. Totally worth it so far. I think I've inadvertently put myself on a detox program, but I suppose that's not exactly a bad thing... Anyhoo, the smoothies have been great so far; mostly a little juice or raw milk, yogurt, flax seed, and frozen fruits. I made a peaches and cream smoothie that was outstanding, but I'm not going to go into the recipe here because it's just like it sounds. Peaches.....and cream.

But all these blogs touting the "greatest smoothie ever" have superveggies in them. So I tried adding broccoli. Not bad, as long as you add some mega-flavorful berries and a strong juice like grape in, also. They've also been so thick that I had to eat them with a spoon.

But today I started an experiment for a super-healthy green smoothie that I can easily make every day for a meal.

Success!! You know you want the recipe so you can be green like me. Here goes.

All the recipes I looked at wanted me to add crap like celery (gag), and flax seed oil, and, of course, the notorious hemp seed oil, which I would totally do but I no longer have the hookups I once did. So I worked around it with just ground flax seed. I rather like the taste and it's full of Omega-3s. It tastes better than untoasted wheat germ, that's for sure.

So grab a blender and start grinding away!

The RoxyLicious Moss Smoothie 
(There's not really moss in it, but it's the same color; don't hate me because you're jealous of my wonderful name. You can call it the Roxy Mossy for short. My feelings won't be hurt.)

I'm sure it could all be healthier if this was all organic crap, but I'm reeeeeally cheap.

 2 c. baby spinach
1/4 c. milled flax seed
1 banana
2 c. apple juice
1/2 c. vanilla Greek yogurt
handful of frozen strawberries

I threw all but the strawberries in the Bullet and made short work of it. Btw, regular blenders work just fine. Magic Bullets are just a lot more fun. While it was going, I added the berries one by one and let them get all nice and mixed up. I wanted to add a whole apple but Bear ate all of 'em.

Aaaaaaand, you're done.

Ain't it purty?

I didn't have to add any sweetener at all and this time it was liquid enough to drink through a straw... without a brain freeze. This recipe made two large glasses for me because I wanted to have enough for later. But I'm a piglet and it tasted so damn good I drank it all in ten minutes. So you can either have 3 regular size glasses or 2 big-ass Roxy size glasses. Your choice. It was so filling and so healthy and I'm making another in the morning.

Oh, and stay tuned for the recipe for the Guinness beef brisket with mashed sweet potatoes. That's right.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

I Have Nothing to Offer Except this Recipe: Barbecue Chicken and Black Beans

I know I haven't blogged in, like, a month. I have plenty to say. You all will be amazed at my wit and intelligence and amazing opinions. Eventually.

In the meantime, I'm totally sharing this recipe I accidentally created carefully planned out yesterday.

Three thirty in the afternoon and I realize I will have to feed my children and myself at some point in the evening. Pffft. Anyhoo. A quick survey of available ingredients told me that I could either put an insane amount of effort into supper, order pizza, or pull out my trusty cook-time love....THE CROCK POT. Option C [obviously] won out. But since I only had three hours to cook, it had to be in that pot fast.

So now you, too, can be an awesome afternoon chef, throw all this stuff in the pot and then sit on a cushion eating bon bons all day because that is totally what I did. If by sitting on a cushion, you mean carefully orchestrating two naptimes by playing human pacifier/human pillow, letting Bear win getting beaten in Chinese checkers, picking up the stupid Percy the train puzzle again.... Whatever, you get the idea.

I had frozen chicken breasts, black beans, barbecue sauce and some spices. So I used them. Combine the following in your crock pot.

Sweet Baby Ray's is by far my favorite BBQ sauce, and I consider myself a connoisseur

1 pound chicken breasts
2 cans black beans
2 cups barbecue sauce
1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
1 tablespoon mexican seasoning ( you can make your own here.)
1-2 drops sweet hot sauce

Isn't that appetizing?? Mmmmm....

Okay, now listen carefully because this is where it gets really tricky: Turn your crock pot ON. Got that?

If you are looking to eat in 4 hours or less, put it on high; if you have, say six hours or so, turn that sucker on low and let the smell of barbecue make your mouth water all day.

About 30 minutes before I served it, I took the chicken out and shredded it, then put it back in. I also thickened the sauce with a little cornstarch.

I served the whole mess over rice with tortilla chips for scooping. The kids loved it and it's high in protein and fiber. Enjoy!

Is this not the picture of deliciousness? It was all I could do to stop and take a picture before I made a pig out of myself.