Friday, February 24, 2012

Magic Vomit-Away Cleaners!

I am quite aware that the next thing I was supposed to post was the Guinness crock pot brisket. I'm totally gonna get to that. But we've been sick.

This family doesn't get colds. Oh no! Not a simple little case of the sniffles. When we get sick, we do it in an epic way. We get the plague. Bear, for instance, rarely gets a head cold. But she HAS had an intestinal parasite, mono (which caused hepatitis and jaundice), and has a tendency toward recurrent staph and MRSA. TMI? Sorry.

We have, as a family of five, had a horrendous vomiting virus. This comes immediately after both the older kids had a recent bout with strep. Roo came through that unscathed (and, honestly hasn't had more than a runny nose in her almost-eight months) but she caught this one in a big way.

I thought it was her new food of beans, which Wes totally thanked me for when he changed her diaper, but, no. Wes and I, as a couple, spent quality time together hanging out with the porcelain god, being truly sexy to one another. As a side note, it will be a LONG TIME before we eat Swiss steak again. The next morning, true to fashion, I spent no time alone in the bathroom, with my personal cheerleader, Monkey, right along side me as I was on all fours in the bathroom floor.

"Mommy? You doing?"
"I'm sick."
"You throw up?"
"Good JOB, Mommy!!"
"Good JOB!"
"Good JOB, Mommy!"
...continue in similar vein...

So, I was the idiot who got better when everyone else got sick. Wes has managed to conjure up an infected toe and knee, so he was useless. Therefore, I was one to be vomited upon, spit upon, peed upon... I truly believe that the difference between moms and other humans is the natural reaction to cup your hands and hold them in front of a child vomiting...or not. I do. FML.

Regardless, my carpet has absorbed a ridiculous amount of vomit in the past few days. Add that to the fact that our neurotic cat, Adso, has decided that the kids' bathroom is her own carpeted litter box, and it became necessary to CLEAN OUR CARPETS.

That was today's task. So my carpet cleaner came with a detergent, but I've found that most carpet detergents leave behind a film which actually ATTRACTS dirt. I guess, if you're a Dirt Devil CEO, that's a good thing. I'm not. I'm a mom. A rather lazy mom who despises the smell of cat piss, vomit, and the act of carpet cleaning. So I began my Pinterest search for a magic carpet cleaner machine solution that would solve all my problems. I got nada.

Bitches, I came up with my own.

The solution reservoir on my Dirt Devil holds *about* a gallon (??). So I used 2 cups of vinegar, 3/4 cup of peroxide, and a few drops of lavender essential oil (in a grapeseed carrier). I filled up the rest with hot (reeeeally hot) water. Before I began, I sprinkled the carpet with baking soda. I know baking soda is the miracle cure, but I didn't really want to make a science experiment volcano in the machine's reservoir.

That shit is awesome. I shall now commence to slap myself a high five. It's like liking your own Facebook status....

So after two hours of meticulous carpet cleaning, I could still, with my bloodhound nose (my kids will NEVER be able to smoke pot and get away with it) smell cat pee. I hate that damn hairless cat. I rue the day I rescued her.

So I had to make a carpet freshener. And, of course, I had to wait til the carpet was dry to apply it. That gave me time to play, AHEM, search diligently for a carpet freshener recipe on Pinterest. Good deal.

I mixed a cup of baking soda with the recommended 20 drops .... I lie. I overdo everything. I used more like thirty drops of lavender essential oil, which I happen to have on hand from News-Muz, and spent the next thirty minutes whisking the shit out of it. Poured that mess in a Parmesan cheese container and sprinkled it generously about the kids' bathroom.

Vacuum. Amen.


Magic. Lavender. Awesomeness.


You're welcome.


  1. Awesome! While I'm so glad we have hardwood floors, I'll have to keep your little recipe in mind if we ever have to clean the rugs. Oh,if the essential lavender oil is the same in your cleaner & freshener, it's actually an olive oil carrier. If it was a different oil, then I'll just shut up.

    Still, way to go!

  2. This cracked me the hell up!!! I will, however, have to try your recipes...

  3. rubbing alchol is also good for cleaning to.. especially baby spit up and blood related items.

  4. I tried this yesterday, I don't love it. The carpet feels weird now, like there's a residue on it. And I sprinkled the baking soda on the carpet before I scrubbed it and now there are spots where the baking soda was :( Hoping to run the cleaner again today maybe with just vinegar and water and get the spots and the residue out.

  5. We just moved to a new house and the carpetin the master bdrm, hallway and living room smells like pee. We have used out carpet cleaner and sprinkled arm and hammer powder. The smell goes away for a few days but comes back. HELP!!!